I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
