did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Randomize
