Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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