I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
cat food counts as protein by the way
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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