You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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