it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
