Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
