When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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