I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
