Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize