i'm signing you up for texting rehab
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize