Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Randomize
