Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
