Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
