I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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