Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
