Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
