i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
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