i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
