Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
We need to get me chipped asap
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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