He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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