He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
