never play flip cup with pint glasses
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
