i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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