Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
