There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
