Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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