I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
