Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
