Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
