Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Randomize
