How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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