Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
