So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
