careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
