omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
