Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
