I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
