I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
