Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
