I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
