It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
