K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
