Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Randomize
