So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
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