I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Randomize
