By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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