I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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