I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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