no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
