I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
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