we're chasing vodka with high fives
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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