I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
