they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
