I have demons in me.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
