My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
