If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
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