Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
did you just send me my own nude
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize