Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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