I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
