god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
i think i have two assholes
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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