Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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